What you should rent this week, and what you shouldn't

I'm sure you missed her a lot, but Heather is back in action. She's been pretty busy over the past weeks and had to take some time off to go on a business trip, but here she is telling you what to rent this week and what to skip at all cost. Just in case you were wondering, this week Heather tells you a bit about that Paris Hilton movie you've probably never heard about. On a more positive note, you'll also get a take on a flick in which three women attempt to play Danny Ocean, well... sort of. Enjoy!

Skip it: "The Hottie and the Nottie"

This is what it is: Paris Hilton stars as Cristabelle Abbott, a beautiful girl pursued by her childhood friend, Nate Cooper (Joel Moore). She agrees to go out with Nate eventually - but only if he can find a guy for her best girlfriend, June Phigg (Christine Lakin)... who happens to be attractive's cousin - UNattractive. Clearly there's a makeover, and all of her beauty - inside and out - emerges.

My always strong and quite often, brilliant opinion: Um yeah, so, you probably don't need me to tell you to stay away from this one. But because I am so self-sacrificing, and I know deep down some of you are actually curious about this one, I took one more for the team... cripes. I seem to be doing this a lot. What is the definition of insanity again?

Paris' performance is like watching a bad high-school play; you know when all the teenage girls stand with their hand on one hip and deliver their lines with some kind of weird "I'm cool" attitude (I call it the "mall stance"). The girl is a damn pile of talentless. Someone PLEASE forbid her from being in another film, for the love of God! Just make your club appearances, Paris, and do that one pose you like to do... with your one hip jutted forward, and hand on on the other hip - you guys know exactly the one I'm talking about.

This story is not one we haven't seen before. And I have to admit, I usually love these kinds of films. Yes, I know... how embarrassing. But in this one, they made that poor girl so damn ugly, it was really unbelievable. I mean, this girl made me taste throw up in my mouth a little. Would Cristabelle really have let her friend go this long looking so repulsive?

The script is bad. Every once in a great while a comedic moment or line pops out of nowhere, and I might have laughed a little. However, I can't take humor that is insulting to my intelligence - sight gag garbage, etc. And this film is chock full of all those elementary, desperate kind of "humor" attempts. Boo.

I didn't hate Joel Moore as Nate, but I do hate the person at the studio who thought this should get the green light. I definitely hate that person.

Trust me, do NOT let your curiousity get the best of you... this one is a clear NOTTIE.

The final word: Because I snacked on my favorite Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Bean candies while viewing this, I will give it 1 Bertie Bott Bean out of 5. Clearly it was the ear wax flavored one... couldn't even get lucky with the vomit flavored one on this piece of crapola.

Get it: "Mad Money"

This is what it is: Wealthy Bridget Cardigan (Diane Keaton) faces financial devastation when her husband (Ted Danson) loses his job. She takes a graveyard shift janitorial job at the Federal Reserve Bank, and plots with two fellow employees to steal old money that's scheduled to be destroyed. It's based on a true story, directed by Callie Khouri, and also stars Queen Latifah and Katie Holmes as Bridget's partners in crime.

My always strong and quite often, brilliant opinion: If you're looking for a laugh-out-loud comedy with this one, then you will be disappointed. But if you are looking for an fun, entertaining, strong ensemble piece, then this one is for you. I love movies based on true stories. And this film is definitely one that will make you say, "Whoah, that really happened?"

Diane Keaton is her usual quirky fabulous self in this. And it's very interesting to notice how she balances the character's kindness, caring, and generousity with enormous greed. Queen Latifah turns in a solid performance, and Katie Holmes isn't too lame either. The three of them work together quite well.

Yes, there are some holes in the script here and there, but because you end up caring so much about each of the characters, the holes become unimportant. You get attached to the three girls in this film, and you end up rooting for them... um, even though they are committing a huge crime. You still cheer them on, and want them to get away with it. So the film truly succeeds in that, because that is a tough task.

I like screenplays that really develop the relationships between the primary characters. And I like actors that take the writers' words and make those relationships come to life. This film does that. It's a cool fun story - even suspenseful at times, with characters made very real by the actors portraying them.

And I must say, it was nice to see that the principal character - the driving force of this film - is a role written for and played by a woman in her 60s. You don't see enough of that in Hollywood, the land where women aren't allowed to age... and if they do, their careers end. So, kudos to that.

The final word: Because I snacked on my favorite Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Bean candies while viewing this, I will give it 4 Bertie Bott Beans out of 5. Woohoo! Buttered popcorn, cherry, toasted marshmallow, and cinnamon flavors! With this one I was clearly able to avoid the booger, earthworm, grass, and dirt flavors. With Bertie Bott's you never know what you're gettin'... kinda like my DVD selections each week.

Comments

[lafilmfan]

Okay, the description of Paris Hilton's stock pose...lololololololololol. Heather is definitely a keen student of human behavior and, well, body positioning. I have not seen the money movie yet, but I thought it looked good. I will now rent. Glad this column is back from hiatus(sp?)...we all missed it and didn't know what to put in our Netflix queues, for God's sake.

[fl]

Where have you been,Heather? We've missed you--You are beautiful! Love that new banner! What can we see you in?Keep us posted on what you do,preety lady! Now , those films-of course you are right on the Paris film. Wouldn't view any of her stuff-no talent. On the other hand, anything with Diane Keaton is a good bet. Saw this film, and enjoyed it. Once again, Heather's right on target.