"Witless Protection"

Seen on: February 23, 2008

The players: Director: Charles Robert Carner, Writers: Alan C. Blomquist, Charles Robert Carner, Cast: Larry the Cable Guy, Ivana Milicevic, Yaphet Kotto, Peter Stormare, Joe Mantegna

Facts of interest: None whatsoever.

The plot: A small-town sheriff (Larry) swears to protect a key witness in a crucial crime case.

Our quick thoughts: Larry the Cable Guy is an incompetent actor. Although I can’t judge his work as a comedian, I’m quite sure the jokes he tells on stage have more potential than the ones he desperately tries to pull off in his movies. After wasting people’s time and money in last year’s disaster “Delta Farce,” Larry now returns in the appropriately titled “Witless Protection,” in which he plays an idiotic deputy who protects a witness he believes was kidnapped by the FBI.

As expected, the film drowns in embarrassing slapstick and gross humor. Charles Robert Carner’s despicable script reeks of lame jokes and never picks up enough speed, featuring more farting and vomiting anyone could possibly handle in a primitive Hollywood comedy. The main story line is monotonous at best, following Larry and his witness as they engage in one of the most dreadful road trips ever captured on film.

I’m quite sure many people will fall over just listening to Larry’s exaggerated Southern accent, but I’m not really impressed by his implausible performance. It's alarming to see that all it takes to star in a crappy comedy is showing a big hairy belly and making disturbing grimaces. Also starring are Ivana Milicevic and Jenny McCarthy, but their acting skills are rather limited.

Freaky quote: "Dang, my hand hasn't been this sore since the first episode of Baywatch!" – Larry the Cable Guy

The final word: “Witless Protection” is not worth the trip to the theatre, unless you’re dying to see Larry strip in front of airport security. Pathetic indeed.